The one about falling in love with Panama

I was talking to my regional leader/bestie Zoe the other day and she was reflecting on her service (she's in her third year too) and how she realized she is really good at Peace Corps in the same way that other people are really good at economic consulting or being a nurse. I agree - she is amazing at it. But I asked her why it is that every Peace Corps Volunteer here seems to be "good at Peace Corps" and love Panama and want to stay forever and ever? It's not the case with everyone, but this is definitely not something pervasively felt by PCVs in the Dominican Republic even though most of us loved the country and our service there. 

Five months in, I’m starting to get what it is about Panama. It’s beautiful, it’s relatively small and it’s easy to live here (not physically easy – PCVs have some insane circumstances that they live in). What I mean is that people are nice, not offensive, supportive (especially other PCVs) and the culture is peaceful. I don’t feel that I get nearly half as many catcalls as I did in the DR. Things are slightly more regulated but only enough so that it feels understandably unorganized versus chaotically confusing. People have to wear helmets on motorcycles, seat belts in cars, and life jackets on boats. You cannot drink in the streets much less drink with one hand on the steering wheel and another gripping a 40oz beer like you can in the DR. Panama is regulated, but adventurous enough to feel challenging and exciting. I understand the appeal in a way that I couldn’t have before. I no longer feel like I’m trying to hold on to my service in the DR, I’m finally accepting that this is different and let the current take me. I get it now: the culture of Panama, the culture of Peace Corps Panama and the spirit of the volunteers that leads a good many of them to extend for a third year, or victory lap, as I’ve come to call it. People who, like me, never really gave much thought to Panama before Peace Corps and have come to love the place we now call home. If only everyone could be so lucky!

That said, at first, I wondered to myself, why doesn’t this feel exactly how I want it to feel? Why am I thinking about the DR so much and making comparisons between my experiences? Why do I ache for the USA even though I can find almost everything I need on my tiny island? Why don’t I love it? Just like falling in love, the thought of getting to that point of integration in my community again was exhausting. Do you even know how much time I had to spend and coffee I had to drink on the porches of community members over two years to be accepted? And you want me to try and replicate that again, what are you crazy!?

Eeeeeeeerch back it up, Bronwen. Just like my first few months in site in Manzanillo, when I didn’t know who to ask for help and how to connect the dots between key community members I felt uncomfortable. I wasn’t yet adjusted to life without reliable electricity, internet, water, etc. It took time. And when I decided to do this whole living abroad thing again, I didn’t give my human-ness the credit it deserved. Of course I wasn’t going to just fall into step with my job and the culture and create a social life after one week or one month. But I'm happy to report that I’ve fallen in love with a new place all over again!

My role is to navigate between what I consider four distinct communities: 1) Panamanians/locals on the main island 2) Ngobe indigenous culture on the peninsula where we work, 3) the Floating Doctors volunteer/staff, and 4) Peace Corps Volunteers. It’s a complex dance to learn but I finally feel settled amongst them all. This week, I spent four days on the Kusapin Peninsula teaching our Community Health Worker course in Ensenada and was given a Ngobe name, a right of passage for any Panama PCV. A wonderful woman, Carmen, and I spent time together and she said, "We’re going to call you “Buledi” from now on because that was my mother’s name and she was happy just like you." You’re right Carmen, I am happy. I am happy to be a part of this work and I feel like I’ve really found my place in this country. It’s humbling to remember that we have our struggles and that we can overcome them. Humans are good at losing, recreating, reinventing and adapting.

Con mucho amor, 

Buledi