¡Feliz Año Nuevo! A long overdue mensaje, I sure hope it finds you well!
I had a really great 2014! Not everyday was a good day, but it sure was full of learning experiences. I overcame hurdles I once thought impossible, grew professionally and personally, and learned more about international development than I ever could have working in an office. A lot of the work I did was for my community, yes, but a lot of the work I did in the Peace Corps last year was for me. I’ve had what I consider to be a successful service so far, I’ve graduated my women and youth groups, constructed many improved cookstoves, begun to implement an emergency medical system, and taught a few English classes. I’ve checked off the boxes Peace Corps set for me. But I did a lot for myself too. I learned how to cook rice and beans, grew to like children (a valuable skill that was at first met with much resistance), practiced hours and hours of yoga and meditation, exercised daily, took beach days and visited friends around the country, found myself a Dominican family, read fifty books and learned all the words to Miley Cyrus’s new CD Bangerz. To me, this is an accomplishment that deserves celebrating, too (especially the last one!).
Last year, throughout all the trials and tribulations, be it personal or professional, I did most of it alone, in my own head. It sounds strange, but I really did try to tackle every problem I faced in the Peace Corps head on and alone. Yes, I certainly had my fellow PCVs helping me along the way and answering those more than obnoxious late night teary phone calls. And of course I had the support of my wonderful friends and family back home. But through every challenge it was with only myself, in my own head, simultaneously solving Manzanillo’s toughest problems (still working on that one) and facing my own internal battles.
During my vacation back home, I had the great fortune to visit a dear adult friend in the Bay Area. Over dinner one night, as I was telling her all about my experience and work down here, she asked, “Is it hard?” I said, “Is what hard?” And she said, “Being alone all the time.” I thought about it for a second before answering, No, I have gotten really good at it, and I love it. But it is a lot of alone time and was extremely difficult at first. We discussed the idea a little more and she told me she was proud of me and impressed with what I am doing for others but also for myself. She wishes she had taken the time when she was younger to be alone, and said if she had, she probably wouldn’t have ended up married at 24 and divorced a year later. She would have made better decisions throughout her life, she said, if she had only learned to be content being alone.
Talking with someone whom I admire greatly tell me that she was proud of me this simple trait of being content alone was comforting. It reassured me that I am not crazy for spending so much time trying to become a better person. You wouldn't believe the amount of time I've spent in my own head, half the things I write down in my journal, or the crazy things I say aloud to myself in the mirror. My house is filled with crazy life plans, beautiful quotes, inspirational sayings, ideas for future projects and colorful doodles that represent hours I've spent trying to become a better person. Now, instead of being scared or dreading hours of solitude, I relish alone time. It’s taught me that I can. I am powerful, strong and motivated. I have become a better me. That much I found out last year.
Peace Corps in itself is a two-year exercise into the depths of discomfort. In 2014, I turned alone time into a coping mechanism for that discomfort. And at first it was awkward and the hardest thing I ever had to do was spend four, five or six hours alone. But, I’ve really taken control of it. I’m better at setting goals, holding myself accountable, being patient (still working on it). I have become the ruler of my own mind, which sounds maybe like a lame thing to work on for an entire year, but it wasn’t. It took 17 months of Peace Corps service to get here and yes, I’m still working on it, but my alone time is no longer uncomfortable and awkward, it’s a shiny new tool for my life toolbox.
My New Year’s resolution this year to create and develop another life tool. This year is the year of expansion, pushing myself to the limits, growing from others, and truly giving Dominicans the energy they deserve. Last year, I foraged a path alone, but this year, I’ll finish the journey foraging with others.
Hope y'all are still sticking to your New Years resolutions! Health and happiness for 2015!
Love and resolutions,
Bronwen
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