The one about the end

This is my bittersweet last mensaje from Panama and subsequently, the end of my Peace Corps blog that has documented 2 years, 11 months and 23 days of living abroad. WOW.

When I accepted this Peace Corps Response position to work with the Floating Doctors in Panama, I had no idea what the year would bring. I didn’t know that I was yet to meet my two favorite Katies; create a robust Community Health Worker training that would eventually build-capacity for 20 indigenous all-stars; work with the best manager I’ve ever had; learn 50 words of Ngoberi; fall in love with Bocas del Toro, Panama; make new best Peace Corps friends; or eat one more years worth of rice and beans. I didn’t know that I’d work with an amazing organization of doctors and learn more about babies and birthing than I’d ever intended. How could I have know that I would travel to what would become my favorite country (Colombia) and favorite small mountain town (Boquete, Panama) in my young 25 years of life. Over the past ten months as a Response Volunteer, I got more than I knew I wanted, and in the process, continued my journey of growing professionally, personally and socially.

But in seven short days, the abroad chapter of my life will come to a close (for now!) and I’ll head back to the good old US of A to reconnect with bestest friends and resettle back into a culture where apparently I have to use Tinder to date and Uber to move around. My plans you ask? After I officially end my service on August 12^th, I’ll fly to Medellin, Colombia to spend time with my favorite RuPaul’s Drag Race watching buddy from the Dominican Republic, Andy, now serving as a Response Volunteer there. And then it’s a six-week whirlwind bus tour (a la Hillary 2016) slash Tour de Friends. Tour locations include: Boston, Rockport/Lynn, New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, DC, New York Round 2, Austin and San Francisco. And then this girl’s gonna get a job so if anyone is looking to hire a public health professional with international field experience in program management and excellent communication skills in Spanish and English with a proven ability to work collaboratively to develop practical strategies and solutions for global health project implementation, hit me up!

Here are six truths I’ve contemplated lately:

1) Hot water is heaven.

2) Living alone is the best thing ever.

3) If we had 25 hours in the day, we would have 1 extra hour to podcast.

4) You cannot trust a FitBit’s sleep monitor feature.

5) Coffee tastes better with cinnamon.

6) Cheese is God’s gift to mankind.

Here are the top eight things I’ve learned from living abroad for 2 years, 11 months and 23 days.

1) I don’t know a whole lot. 

The flip side is that I know a lot about a little bit. I know how to use one liter of water to take a shower. I know how to kill chickens, pigs, cockroaches and termite infestations. I know how to be resourceful, stay in touch with people and ways to prioritize. I know how to speak Spanish fluently (!) and train community health workers. I know a lot more about emergency medical systems and telecommunications. But I do not know so many things. The world is huge and I’m continually in awe of the amazing things people are doing and learning. There is so much to know, and I am no longer the doe-eyed, self-important, chip-on-my-shoulder liberal arts school graduate who thinks I can change the world in two years...but I’m gonna keep trying.

2) I’m resilient.

At some point, everything will go wrong. I’ve hit rock bottom...and kept sinking. I thought I’d never make it out alive. I’ve had my emotions thrown around and my moral compass shattered. I wanted to give up. Sometimes I was so sick I would have rather died. Sometimes it was the heat that got to me, other times it was the people or the job or the food or the lack of guidance from superiors. But each and every time I’ve gathered my strength and come out on the other side. Humans are resilient and they will amaze you. Give yourself the credit you deserve for living this crazy thing we call life.

3) Learn to live with the cockroaches. 

They’re not so bad, neither are the lizards nor the tiny frogs. The quicker you learn to kill them, the better you’ll feel about sleeping without a mosquito net at on a 100 degree night. Mosquitoes and sand fleas on the other hand, are the worst, so repellent up - using 100% deet as perfume for three years has yet to kill me!

4) I’ve learned to work for people, not things.

I prefer to have people, connections, relationships and friendships than things. I learned to open my heart so damn wide that I didn’t think anyone else could squeeze in, but they kept showing up and I kept loving. I made room for my community in the DR and my new people in Panama, while remembering to love the ones who kept me going back home. Our people and the connections we make within the networks we have and communities we occupy will make us whole – jeans, watches, cars, phones, nice cheese, and wine alone will not. Prioritize people and let them fill you up!

5) Making mistakes is good.

I never would have learned to speak Spanish fluently had I not been willing to mess up, look like an idiot, laugh at myself and learn from others. I needed to give in, lean in and go for it. Same goes for my projects. Yes, I messed up – over and over. My precocious advice: fail hard, fail fast and keep going.

6) Managing expectations is a must.

If expectations are low, everything has the potential to be great. Check yourself and your ides of what “should be.” If it’s not right – examine, is it the situation that sucks or my expectation of what the situation should be? Can I turn this experience into a positive? Let nothing be a loss, because nothing is. Don’t waste time regretting what could have been. Take action and enjoy what you’ve got. Manage your expectations and set your ship on a new course if the one you’re on isn’t working.

7) Be a good houseguest and an even better host.

Having spent lots of my service as both a guest and a host, I have come to have expectations from both. It takes minimal effort to be a good houseguest. It takes only slightly more effort to be a good host - invest the time and energy into becoming both. Being a houseguest: Disengage from your electronics, keep your shit tidy, play cards with your host, do the damn dishes. Being a host: Sweep your house, clean the toilet, stock up on coffee, make your guests smoothies. It’s as simple as that! 

8) Live a good life. 

Don’t let yourself get complacent about your space in the world. Occupy this world with passion, energy, confidence and purpose. Never stop learning, listening, trying, doing and becoming. Your mind is meant to grow, your body is meant to live. Going along with this is also the ability to know when to take care of yourself: to call a girls day, to hole up alone and binge on The Good Wife, to push yourself to go out dancing. Listen to yourself and treat yourself well. Drink safe water, stay hydrated and attend to infected bug bites.

My fabulous fans and faithful followers, thank you one million times over for your support and encouragement over the past three years. I have so much enjoyed being on this sweet sweet journey with you and I thank you for coming on it with me. Until the next adventure, my people! Over and out.

Xoxo, Bea/Bella/Vea

The one about more podcasting

Young grasshoppers!!

It's been many moons since I last provided guidance on my Podcast Training Plan and I realize how neglectful that is. Jesus never left his disciples to suffer alone. Shifu never gave up on Po and the Furious Five. Olivia would never abandon her Gladiators. Yoda stayed with his Jedi Masters throughout turmoil on the Cloud Walker (uh, did I use that metaphor right?). But like a Phoenix risen from the ashes, I’m here to lead you through the fire once more...to oversee you on your path to greatness. Since I released the first installment of my laboratory-proven Podcast Training Plan, I trust that now you are committed and know your podcasting style. So what's next? Let’s expand your options - get in on this podcasting buffet – take your pick, dive on in, flex those podcast muscles! Which way to the beach? Will you hide in the shadows or stand in the light with me?

News You Can Use

I find that my brain works better when things are told to me through podcast inception. Therefore, I need my news sources to be high quality and educational. These do the trick!

1) A classic really, The Diane Rehm Show takes me back to the days spent driving to school with my mom. I used to disregard listening to this via podcast because I tend to be a podcast creationist and this is a classic case of radio fit for podcast. The previous title of the show was the Kaleidoscope which accurately describes what the show ends up being. Get it while the getting’s good because Diane Rehm is leaving the show after the Election and who knows what will come in the wake of her departure! (Expert tip: listen to this show on 1.5x speed).

2) This suggestion is not novel, but Fresh Air with Terry Gross is equally enthralling and another radio turned podcast NPR classic. She's a great host who really knows the questions to ask her guests and listening transports you to the corner of the room where you can imagine yourself sitting in, sipping tea and eating cookies with them. That said, her husband is a jazz musician and occasionally she has obscure jazz artists on the show, when I see that I steer very clear because it’s a snooze fest.

3) And of course I still rely heavily on the NPR Hourly News Summary because life moves fast and people are busy, sometimes all you have is five minutes to stay in the know!

Brain Pushups/Grow Your Mind/Plant Seeds

1) Chicka chicka yeah, we’ve got ourselves a new fan favorite in the form of More Perfect by Radiolab. It’s a spinoff of Radiolab’s classic story telling format but exploring stories from, of, and affecting the Supreme Court. SCOTUS stories coming to you from experienced producers and making you wanna say, YEAH YEAH YEAH!

2) Code Switch by NPR brings you a weekly conversation about race and identity. Why are 80% of United States parks users white and what can we do about it? What is whiteness and why is it hard to talk about? If nothing else, add this one to your queue as I’ve self-declared this podcast "Most Important of 2016."

3) Slate Double X Podcast is a podcast version of the Double X blog and touted as “founded by women but not just for women.” Listen if you care about women’s issues and fortify your knowledge of what's going on in the world of feminism and female-identified things.

4) It’s quite basic, yes, but Stuff You Should Know has been hovering in the iTunes Top 10 Podcasts for years now and when advancedpodcasting takes over (see: The Weeds, Amicus, Whistlestop), it can’t hurt to come back down to Level 1 and be reminded of how informative this podcast is. It’s a brain pushup podcast in the same vain as other classics like Freakonomics and Planet Money.

Love and Laughter

Ride those waves of laughter and love folks, it does the body and mind good!

1) Listen to 2 Dope Queens and crack up to the audio from their comedy live shows with hilarious comic hosts Jessica Williams and Phoebe Robinson and their equally funny comedian friends. Starter episode: #1 Dad Bods and you’ll be hooked, trust me! As expert podcaster Zoe admitted, “It’s the podcast that I’m always up to date with!” Get ready for an actual LOL or even maybe a ROFL!

2) I admit that I am not much of a comedy buff, but You Made it Weird with Pete Holmes is quite my valuable attempt at understanding/entering the comedy world. It’s a safe choice for outsiders who want to look in. Pete Holmes himself was a religious nut, turned life explorer and seeks to find wisdom within the depths of his guests’ minds. Starter episodes: Pete Davidson; Michael Che; and Cameron Esposito.

3) Oh yeah, so you liked HuffPo Love + Sex but then you got annoyed with Carina Kolodny’s prudishness, Noah Michaelson’s voice and the fact that it only comes out every other week? I hear you; I’m there, too. I bring you the solution: New York Magazine’s Sex Lives. Sex positivity at it’s finest with casual and insightful conversations exploring diverse topics in the world of sex.

4) What’s that you say? You’re looking for even more sex positivity in your life? Well, I’d venture to guess that the majority are already hooked and listening, but if not, give Savage Lovecast a try my comrades. Dan Savage is a brilliant advice columnist who preaches non-monogamy, celebrates all sexualities and guides listeners through the discourse of crazy politicians trying to take away human/body rights in 2016 (like the nutso North Carolina transgender discrimination bathroom bill, don’t even get me started).

5) Because I feel like it’s important to support smart female hosts, try Another Round and enter the happy hour with friends you want to know. The show is smart on gender issues and racial politics but not pretentious or another boringly attempt to do that type of podcast. The ladies didn’t pump the brakes when they landed an interview with Hillz and asked her if she thought Bill Clinton “fucked things up for black people” during his presidency. It’s tough to find another show that does a better job balancing intellectual convos with laugh-out-loud humor. Starter episodes: Madam Secretary, Whats Good (with Hillary Clinton); and To Be Young, Gifted, and Black (with Hannibal Buress)

Bulekri – Big Belly

Everyone eats, let’s talk about it!

1) The Sporkful is “not for foodies, it’s for eaters.” Host Dan (a Tufts alum!) goes on amazing explorations of the diverse sides and stories surrounding food, the obsession of food, and the histories of people who eat food. Starter episodes: A Priest Walks Into A Bar (this one is about a bar I used to frequent in Somerville); Is Michael Pollan Misunderstood?; and Other People’s Food Pt. 1: White Chef, Mexican Food.

2) It’s pure masochism, but there are food podcasts about everything (and one day I’ll get to eat all the good foods, too)! Cutting the Curd is about cheese, enough said! Beer Sessions Radio is about beer, get in on it! Want to know about food policy, check out Eating Matters and/or What Doesn’t Kill You to better understand the business of food production. All of these podcasts are brought to you by Heritage Radio Network and also the producer of my guilty and embarrassing favorite new podcast Ask a Clean Person, which is exactly what you’d imagine - a witty cleaning expert talking about her cleaning tips and regimes. Favorite tips so far: Armpit stains will not come out with bleach because they are protein stains and therefore will only come out by letting said shirts soak overnight in a product like OxiClean or any other enzymatic cleaner. Curious about which dryer setting to use? Host Jolie suggests perm press because it’s a nice medium heat meant to reduce wrinkles. And a final tip: Make your bed everyday; it will make you feel and be more organized.

Series for your Ears!

Everyone loves a series (à la Serial). So check out these podcast series that will blow your mind and scratch that itch while Sarah Koenig is in hibernation mode. There are to be invested in when you have the time, they’ll be interesting forever!

1) Because I have only listened (and am hooked) to the first episode, I recruited Master Podcaster Jessie to help for this one. She says, “The Charles Manson 12-part series from the You Must Remember This podcast is so, SO much better than the other long-formpodcast I know everyone has already listened to (ahem: Serial). This fascinating Hollywood story covers the whoooole Manson "family" arc, from Charles' weird, poverty-stricken beginnings, to his relationships with Hollywood bigwigs, obsessions with The Beatles' Helter Skelter, and sexually-charged (and sexist) world-views. The series not only covers the Manson murders, but also discusses, in length, 60s-70s west coast culture, racism, sexism and the hidden realities of 20th century Hollywood. CHECK OUT THE CHARLES MANSON SERIES FIRST. IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.

2) You love Lena Dunham? You love Girls? You love women? You love life? Well, check out Lena Dunham’s five-part podcast with bonus episodes, which I suggest you don’t skip because in it I learned that Lena and Jemima Kirke are best childhood friends and that Jemima (aka Jess) has two kids and is married to a man she met in rehab (what up, Gawker, who’s leaking celeb gossip now)! Check out Lena Dunham’s Women of the Hour.

3) And another “Most Important of 2016” is the 9-part series about gentrification on There Goes the Neighborhood. This podcasts is a noble exploration of the rising phenomenon/problem of gentrification in many major American cities (not the least of being a city close to my own heart and the gentrification I saw with my very eyes where I went to college in Somerville, MA).

2016 - Rock ‘em Sock ‘em

I would be remiss to exclude all my intense election podcasting. This election season has been interminable, but I don’t mind because my faith is placed in podcasts that will entertain us all the way to November.

1) Off Message with Glenn Thrush provides entertaining and informative interviews with leading political figures analyzing and predicting the 2016 election. More than being simply a 2016 Election podcast, each episode has critical morsels of political thought and knowledge to chew on (this is definitely the least biased one, equal parts pro-Trump (uh, do those exist) and pro-Clinton interviewees)

2) Follow along with Obama camp gurus Jon Favreau and Dan Pfeiffer (former Obama advisers) on their Election show Keeping it 1600. They bro-out every week with special guests to explain the craziness of the 2016 Election. Probably meant for the 20-something-millenial-man-already-working-in-politics, I admit that I like the vibe of these like-minded Donkeys just trying to keep the White House draped in blue.

3) You want more nerds talking politics to you? Hosts of Politico’s 2016 Nerdcast will keep you in the loop, give you the skinny, the 411, the lowdown.

The Best of Round 1

My top ten favorite individual episodes on previously recommended podcasts

1) It’ll Make Sense When You’re Older on This American Life (I cried in the Third Act)

2) What Can Men and Women Do to Achieve a Better Orgasm by HuffPo Love + Sex (required listening for all humans)

3) Afro-Latino on Latino USA (my Dominican people!)

4) Episode 28: #AirbnbWhileBlack on The Hidden Brain (the sharing economy is racist!)

5) Ep. 11 – Jon Favreau on The Axe Files (great interview with Obama’s former speechwriter)

6) Danielle Brooks is Ready to Talk About Sex on Death, Sex & Money (fabulous interview with Tastee from OITNB)

7) #702: Nigeria, You Win! on Planet Money (does giving away heaps of money actually help businesses?)

8) Ep. 52 – Katie Couric on The Axe Files (really powerful and moving interview)

9) Episode 32: The Scientific Process on Hidden Brain (Yaaaaas, all the feelings!)

10) #205 – Flying Food on 99% Invisible (explains crazy contraptions that people invent and use to film food for advertisements)

For Those Interested in Podcast Justice

Dear podcasters, now it’s time for the cold hard truth of podcasting. We are faced with injustice. Because The Axe Files is one of my favorite, mostly closely followed podcast, I fixate on the guests David Axelrod interviews. Well, I discovered an unfortunate and glaring problem. Of the 57 interviews on the podcast, a whole 11 of them have been with women. That statistic is worse than a pathetic reality of only having 20 women in the US Senate. And he has no excuse. Twice, TWICE, he ran 11 interviews in a row without featuring ONE woman! And, don’t tell me there is a lack of smart, interesting women that he could have on the show. Bullshit. So I wrote an email.

Hello, 

I really love and have thoroughly enjoyed The Axe Files! I only have one comment/suggestion and that would be to interview more women. The podcast regularly produces 5-10 episodes without including the voices of women and as someone who understands how important diverse thoughts are, I find it surprisingly that David Axelrod has had surprisingly few women on the show. Sadly, the fact that only 8/42 [at the time of my email] episodes have been with women accurately represents the number of women in politics, but I hope that number changes soon and that women listeners can hear from role models at a higher frequency than 19%. As a young woman interested in politics and running for office, I would love to hear David Axelrod interview more of the wonderful/inspiring/diverse/thoughtful women we have in American politics. 

Looking forward to hearing more!

And their response:

Thanks, Bronwen. Appreciate the feedback. We have some episodes coming up in the next two weeks that feature some really interesting women. Hope you enjoy them, and that you continue listening and giving us your feedback.

After that sorry excuse of a response was received, there was an influx of episodes with women – a whole three to be exact, victory! But those three interviews were followed with four by men. The number of interviews Axelrod does with women still hovers around 19%. And what’s more, I was listening to another favorite podcast, The Big Listen, recently had a podcast about diversity in the podcasting world. Did you know that (as of May 15) only 24 on the iTunes Top 100 Podcasts are hosted by women, just 10 by people of color and only three by women of color (although, to be fair, it’s a better statistic than women appearing on Axelrod’s show or in the US Senate)? God damnit, really, its 2016. As a new medium for news and entertainment, it doesn’t make sense that white men are already dominating this field, what gives? Could be the fact that most “early adopters” of podcasts according to an article I found are, “More likely to be male, young, have higher incomes, be college graduates, live in an urban area.” Significantly, as many women as men now listen. The article postures, “Unsurprisingly, the growing popularity of podcasts among young, well-educated, affluent listeners prompts more shows catering to them. The hosts mirror the audience—or perhaps it’s a vicious circle. While they represent a variety of interests, the producers and personalities on these shows are still monolithically white and male.” 

Ah, the inequality. So while not a long-term fix, here are the diverse podcasts hosted by women and people of color that you should check out and follow if you care about podcasting justice:

1) Loudness - A podcast collective for women, people of color, and queer identified folks)

2) Serendipity – A woman revolutionizing audio fiction

3) How to Be a Girl - Marlo Mack lets us in on the challenges of being a transgender girl

4) Presidential - A fierce and intelligent woman takes a stab at explaining the 44 white (minus one) men who’ve governed our lands for hundreds of years

5) Nerdette - Love me some ladies talking about smart things!

6) Baltimore: The Rise of Charm City - Yes, yes, yes Stacia Brown!

7) Otherhood - Stories from people who came to the US as children or are the children of immigrants

8) Embedded -  Fiercely strong investigative journalism, get it girl!

9) #GoodMuslimBadMuslim – A comedic exploration of the good and the bad of the American Muslim female experience

10) The Pollsters - Off with Nate Silver’s head – listen to a bipartisan duo of wise ladies do it better

11) And finally! Subscribe/troll through the podcasts from the Loud Speaker Network, which prides itself on cultivating a brand around diverse voices, which in turn prompts new podcast ideas from a diverse community.

I am enraged, but fear not, do not follow me down this rabbit hole, too, I’m mad enough for the both of us. I will continue to fight this battle (I even sent another email to HuffPo Love + Sex asking if they could please include more gay female voices). My only plea to you is to follow and consciously subscribe to podcasts with diverse/female hosts. Those make ratings go up and with it, the idea that diverse and female voices are important.

Enough Podcasts, Let’s Read!

And not that you asked, but if you are looking for book suggestions, here's my favorites that I’ve book-munched lately and come highly recommended by yours truly.

1) Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie - I love the way she writes and brings you into the harsh reality that is the Nigeria-Biafra War in 1960s Nigeria. Told from the vantage point of three characters, it elegantly expresses the beauty and tragedy of themes like close relationships, war, peace, and education.

2) A Constellation of Vital Phenomena by Anthony Marra - It took a while for me to get into this book because off the complexity of all the characters involved in the story but as I got used to the storyline and used to Marra's prose, I feel deeply in love. Set in Chechnya during wartime, it's a beautiful story of the complexities of life and love.

3) Nudge: Improving Decisions about Health, Wealth and Happiness by Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein – I’d had enough of the tragic war/conflict books and took my stab at this non-fiction book. I'd heard Sunstein explaining many concepts brought up in Nudge on a favorite podcast, Freakonomics, and thought I'd give it a go. An approachable way to understand the way humans make decisions and the ways in which we can nudge humans to make better decisions in all areas. Be a nudge, not a noodge.

That’s all I’ve got for Round 2! Keep vibrating at this frequency!

AFTERWORD: I recognize that in my aggressive quest to convert everyone to avid podcasters, I forgot the most basic of basics – answering the first question: how do you even get podcasts? It sounds insane (for those in the Advanced categories) but there are some out there for which this will be helpful. 1) Open the podcast app on your iPhone, iPad or in iTunes. 2) Search for the podcasts in the "search" category. 3) Push subscribe on the podcast channel. 4) Go back to the tab called "My Podcasts" and click on the icon of thepodcast you wish to listen to 5) Search for individual episodes under the "Feed" or wait for them to get into your "Unplayed" section every time a new one comes out. The best news is that your podcasts will sync between all portals and you'll know the last point you listened to. You can also download a bagillian podcasts apps if you don't have Apple electronics and most other brand phones come with their very own podcast app pre-downloaded. Also, keep in mind that streaming podcasts while not in wifi uses data – so download your favorites before leaving the house and them be sure to delete as you go.

The one about the communities where we teach

Job: Train health promoters in rural communities
Proof: See below

Our teaching classroom in Community #1: Ensenada

View from our classroom in Ensenada isn't so tough on the eyes!

Can you put the steps for using condoms in order?!

Is that a condom on my fingers?! But that's not where they go!

Trust me ladies, you are in charge of your own bodies!

Our smiling class in Ensenada!

Our classroom in Community #2: Playa Verde

View from our classroom in Playa Verde

Just a stone's throw from a beautiful beach and here we give class in a center without electricity, fans, water, smart boards.

Just waiting for class to start - must finish this book!!!

And to cap the week off, we hiked with our boss to visit another Volunteer's site

We encountered tons of traffic along the way

And we found ourselves here, how do places like this even exist?!

The view from Evan's house in Playa Balsa

Evan's shack!

With snorkeling right outside

View from the kitchen

And as soon as we came, we had to go. Until next time!

The one about believing

Peace Corps in Panama, like the Dominican Republic, has an internal magazine where Volunteers can submit stories and share their thoughts, musings, comments and glory three times yearly. It’s called La Vaina and I’ve been documented in its annuls three times and counting! This volume’s theme was “This I Believe” and I submitted a co-written story with Katie #1 that you all have already read. So this week, I turn to a fellow Volunteer representing the Bocas province who submitted a beautiful essay that is exactly what I’ve always wanted to say about Peace Corps. With her permission, I am spreading that literary beauty to you all. Enjoy! And PS. I also submitted a podcast article which many of you have read, but some not, and if you want to read my podcast proselytization, check it out (stay tuned for Round 2 coming soon!)

This I Believe by Taylor “Borrichi” Domagalla

For me, right now, Peace Corps is a pull – not in one direction, but in thousands. It’s a heavy blanket in the morning of an air-conditioned hotel room that beckons me to rest from the heat, from the dehydration, from the diarrhea; but it’s also the pang of frustration and hot tears spilt on said blanket when boat driver calls and says he can’t come tomorrow, keeping me out of site.

It’s a need to nest, to make my termite ridden, slowly rotting house my home; but it’s also the desire for friendship and confianza that can only be won by exiting my haven and entering the often less appealing, less comfortable and less structurally sound homes of “mi gente.”

It’s longing for human contact – the hug of a parent, the cuddle of a friend, the kiss of a lover; but it’s also sometimes refusing the snuggles of the cutest toddlers for fear of their lice and hungry boob-grabbing.

It’s the drive to fix the 1,000 needs apparent to my eyes – lights, latrines, water supply & treatment, soap, a bridge, jobs, medicine...on and on; but it’s also a rage at the lack of national infrastructure designed to help, and then an even more dangerous rage at the gente for not doing everything they can to meet these needs.

It’s the temptation to try to rectify all the problems, to seek out all the resources, to bring the goods on my own because I probably could do a lot; but it’s also the practiced restraint informed by the knowledge, both theoretical and seen, of the damage done to people’s self-determination by paternalistic development work.

It’s the excitement to train the gente, to teach them, to put the reigns of their lives where they belong (IN THEIR OWN HANDS!); but then it’s waiting for two hours for half the anticipated crowd to show up...and the doubt that they’re ready to stop being treated as dependent children if they can’t even show up for class.

It’s the values adopted from them, the oppressed minority: the dislike and distrust of the majority culture and its government agencies that never seem to help; but then it’s the gut-twisting, guilt-inducing thoughts and words that escape while venting about the gente’s lack of participation and motivation that ring of the majority’s claims of “lazy,” or “free loader.”

It’s a desire to integrate, to develop friendships and make new family across the language barrier, cultural barrier, socioeconomic barrier, every other barrier imaginable; but it’s also the hesitation and fear because giving way to all this newness could mean losing common ground long-held between myself and the ones I hold most dear in all the world – the friends and family from whence I came. 

It’s the yearning to connect with those most loved ones – to go home to be with them, to flee to the place where internet enables me to see their faces via video chat, to climb up to that semi-remote service hill to be alone (maybe) and hear their voices, or to huddle in bed (where the Whatsapp signal is strangely the strongest, good building previous volunteer!) some extra hours just to read what they’re got to message you; but it’s also the reluctance or guilt for doing so because every minute. hour. day. doing this adds up to a lot of time not being present where I’ve dedicated myself to serve as a volunteer 24/7 for 2 years...because that girl still has to go get water, and that boy still can’t read or write, that woman wants to teach me artisanal crafts and sell them through me, and that man wants to learn English so he can work in Bocas to support his family...because in some capacity every moment of mine could be used to better their lives.

This I believe to be true: Peace Corps is a very unique life filled with pulls in a million directions, and while we all need and deserve breaks and indulgences as humans from the amount of challenges we face, we still need to strive to be the best volunteers we can be, if only for two years of a lifetime.

The one about poetic inspiration

Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me, 

      Black as the pit from pole to pole, 

I thank whatever gods may be 

      For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

      I have not winced nor cried aloud. 

Under the bludgeonings of chance 

      My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears 

      Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years 

      Finds and shall find me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate, 

      How charged with punishments the scroll, 

I am the master of my fate, 

      I am the captain of my soul.

The one about the injustice of culture boxes

Heyooooo mi gente! 

Sending out a roundup of my fame and glory this week! I was just published on the official Peace Corps website for a post I wrote a while back about the emergency medical system I worked to implement with Trek Medics during my original service in the Dominican Republic. Check it out, official and live! And now...drumroll please....a post about culture! 

For a while I didn’t feel qualified to write this blog post. I still may not be, but I’m gonna take a stab at it, trying to respond to questions and conversations I’ve had recently. What, I venture to answer, is the culture here like? (Uhhh, is this practice for a masters thesis?) I have extensively spoken to Katie #1, Katie #2 and my PCV friends about this topic and we're working on mastering the response. One things for certain, since I started this Peace Corps journey almost three years ago (!), the way I have come to think about culture has changed significantly.

A story to express this confusion of mine happened a year into my DR service when I went to DC for the Blog it Home adventure. We (myself and the 8 other winners serving in China, Albania, Cameroon, Thailand, Uganda and Senegal) were tasked with bringing items that represented our host countries to show on exhibition tables during various events hosted throughout the week. We were all concerned that our tables looked bare (annoying considering that the Uganda table was flowing with fabrics and the China table laid out a sampler of every flavor Lays potato chip you’ve never wanted to try). Fear not - it was Peace Corps HQ to the rescue! Our leader came into the conference room and laid out a stack of “culture boxes” for us to use. (This is Peace Corps' HQ effort noble to preserve culture and have trinkets and objects from each country where Peace Corps Volunteers have served/are serving). Meleia was doling out these culture boxes and when she got to me she said, “Looks like we don’t have a box for the Dominican Republic. Sorry!”

It didn’t strike me as peculiar until later, when I was retelling this story and my subsequent embarrassment at the optics of my scant table. I had struggled to get participants to come to my table that was set up minimally with with a greca (coffee maker), a few mentas (candies given as change at stores), a guira (instrument used in celebrations that looks like a big cheese grater) and of course, Dominican dominoes. I also had a flag, but compared to vibrant fabrics and traditional dresses of the Uganda and Albania table, my table looked bare. I reflected on this later and decided that people are usually more likely to exoticize cultures that they assume to be most different than their own. The indigenous/tribal looking culture tables of Senegal and Cameroon ranked highest among what US Americans considered “interesting."

If I wanted to wear the traditional dress of the DR, I would have put skin tight animal print leggings on and a sparkling tube top with huge hoop earrings, big ol’ high heels and red lipstick. But you can’t wear that to a Girl Scouts event and even if you could, we don’t validate that as “culture” because it doesn't look different enough from our own. Dominican culture is vibrant, exciting, caring, warm, loud, and giving. But one thing it’s not is tangible/physical/touchable. There are no colorful fabrics or traditional dresses, there no exciting food to try or feathered headdresses to wear. But what are flowing fabrics and sparkling dresses anyway? Do touchable materials and objects mean richer culture? Does the ability to perform a dance from ones ancestors make a country’s way of life? What is culture?

Fast forward to my time here in Panama. Examples of these elements we label as "culture" are more readily found in my sliver of experience working with Ngäbes in Panama. Things you could physically put on a table here are:

- Chakras: These are woven bags called made of fibrous leaves and knit into bags they use to carry babies, loads of harvest from their farms and laundry to the river. 

- Dientes: This translates to “teeth” and some Ngäbes literally file their teeth into sharp points to represent the mountains where they live. Yes, some live by the ocean, but many live in the mountains. Also, dientes can refer to a type of design that Ngäbes put on clothing to represent the mountains as well. This can be sewn onto hats, shirts, dresses, school uniforms and different color combinations represent different towns. 

- Naguas: These are traditional dresses women wear. There are casual naguas for housework and daily ware and your fancier ones for traveling/formal event days. Many women have taken to cutting a slit in the middle for an easy way to pop out their breasts for breastfeeding (side note: I truly love that breasts here are for feeding children exactly as they were intended to be, women slip their nips out whenever and wherever baby chi wants a meal!). This dress has become less common in many communities and women now wear knee length jean skirts to be fancy!

But just last week, I was teaching our Community Health Worker course with my fellow response volunteer, Evan, and he himself said “Ngäbes don’t really have a distinct culture. They don't have music, dances, organization, or artisanal things that represent their culture.” Taking food from my chakra bag and wearing my diente-designed visor, we began a long discussion in which (unsurprisingly) I begged to differ. While Ngäbes do not have a special food or vibrant dance celebrations you can put on a presentation table, there is a distinct energy (nay...culture) in Ngäbe communities.

Ngäbes are kind and quiet, reserved and fiercely familial. Ngäbes are easy to spot because of their distinctive high cheekbones, broad faces, full mouths, thick straight black hair, tanned skin, short stature and stocky body size (or as I’ve heard thrown around a time or two in a less pc way, “dense”). Their communities are spread out, decentralized so there is no hierarchical order or obvious community leaders. Most communities are small, ranging from 15 houses to 100 and there’s usually another one just a few minutes walk away. Ngäbe families are very large; most have between five and eight children plus grandkids and great grandkids. Women perform the household duties and men are usually removed from the child-rearing process. Most women have their first kid by age sixteen and women usually give birth in their homes standing up/squatting (mad respect), supervised by an older midwife or just their own mother. They don’t name their children when they are born and instead refer to them as Chi because so many children die before their first birthdays (and they certainly don't have reveal parties when they discover the sex of their child!). They eat lots of rice and green bananas and drink vats of warm grated cacao and coffee. They are genuine, caring, understanding, shy, reserved, beautiful, curious, and unique.

If I had to put Panama on a table, I would show up with a few naguas and chakras. I’d bring fabrics from the Kuna indigenous groups in the east and maybe a Panama Hat for good measure. But more than that, I would express and convey the sentiments and goodness of the people who live in Bocas del Toro. I’d talk about Carmen and her expert sewing skills. I’d mention Roda and her dedication to running the community store so she can make money and gain financial independence. I’d tell you about Aron and his ambitions to study and become a nurse. I’d talk about all the women who’ve shown me how to weave chakras or the mothers who struggle to put enough food on the table for their seven kids. I’d talk about the grandmas raising grandkids and the lack of higher education options for youth. I’d explain how Ngäbes spend their days on their banana/cacao/pineapple farms in the hills and how the hard-working men chop weeds and plant in the beating sun. I’d tell you about the women leaders in their communities. I’d tell you those stories. No, you may not be able to touch the culture here, but you sure can feel it.